Meet Travis Fitzgerald

Have you ever lain awake in bed wondering if you locked the door or left the oven on? If so, you probably went back to sleep. But for me, these annoying thoughts take on a life of their own. I have struggled with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for most of my adult life. My brain often fixates on an unpleasant thought (the obsessiveness), and then for whatever reason I feel obligated to complete an action to neutralize it (the compulsiveness).

Growing up, I repeated things, counted objects, washed my hands, and retraced my footsteps until I felt “normal.” These actions worked for a little while, but every time the anxiety returned. I felt utterly hopeless as I succumbed to yet another compulsive behavior. “If you are an all wonderful and powerful God, why won’t you take this away, Lord?” I asked. Nothing ever gave me peace.

Much like the psalmist, I was in utter despair (verse 1). But in that despair I had to wait and find hope in His Word (verses 5-6). What does waiting on the Lord look like? I am reminded of the Jews wandering in the wilderness. God delivered them from slavery and into the desert. “What kind of rescue plan is this?,” they must have grumbled. The Israelites were exhausted, hungry, and alone. However, when God’s people were weakest, He was strongest, growing them in their frailty. God delivered the Law through Moses and made the Jews His people. He sustained them with food, water, and miracles.

My default setting is to grumble when I have to wait. Waiting exposes my vulnerabilities. It reveals my lack of control. That is where God wants me. He uses that weakness to draw me in and show me that HE is in control, not my petty compulsions. My impatience with my OCD is really my unbelief in God’s goodness and control. I realize I might have to wait for the next life before God takes away my anxiety. However, I don’t have to wait a lifetime for Him to redeem me through it (verse 8).